So, last Saturday night I had a bit of a meltdown after getting a migraine (a surefire sign that my conversion disorder is working full steam and using my body to make my brain rest). The tears came because I didn’t avoid them with another glass of wine to numb everything. Pouring my body into shovelling the rain-laden snow was the last straw, and here, a week later, my back is still seizing up. But, literally, this week, unprovoked, people from the girls’ school have poured generosity over us - meals, groceries, rides, Skip gift cards. Ken’s family sent meals and soup. While a bug has been slowly making its way through the family along with the daughter recovering from surgery - we’ve been in the house quite a bit - I managed to finish the “Christmas Shopping” on Wednesday at Costco. I didn’t buy much, but buggy management amidst all the people was trying. Someone even clipped my heel (ouch!) without even noticing.
Generosity towards our little family has been such a joy, albeit humbling to require to accept. Today, out of the blue, a friend from our previous church home texted to say they were bringing a hot Christmas dinner to our house at 5:30. It even came with gluten-free dressing (such a treat).
My burdens are weighing me down, heating pads, muscle relaxants, pain relievers to get through this week as I tried to stretch out the seizing muscles. But why are they seizing? Well, because I shovelled the driveway with heavy heavy snow, but also because I continue to hold the thought that “this is my responsibility” and “I need to do this” and “I’m failing at that” and “I should have done this instead” and on, and on…
I have been planning to apply to the Renovaré Institute for the Seattle Cohort that begins next fall. The timing seemed to be absolutely perfect when I discovered the cohort was in Seattle this last March, but with all that has been happening of late, people who don’t know the pull towards becoming more practiced in spiritual formation suggested that what I’m living through is enough. But I’m not disciplined. I need the accountability of soul-mates along the same journey. I’ve started reading a text to prepare for the application essay and even though there is a deadline for that application, I’m finding it hard to submit to a steady rhythm of reading, study, and prayer. I honestly don’t think I am disciplined enough to do these things (well, except for the ongoing prayer of a mother and wife) without the formative community.
I have tried to wake early to do a Precept Bible Study. I’ve done that twice in the last year. I’m so filled when I make the time, but I haven’t made it a priority. Heck, I don’t even eat until dinner most days because there are so many other things that need to be done - if I can’t feed my body, how am I going to be disciplined enough to feed my soul?
As I sat tonight and thought through this, it’s because if it’s “just for my growth” it can be put aside for other things. Folding laundry, loading the dishwasher, grocery shopping…even if I want it to be a priority in my life, I haven’t quite figured out how to balance all the other things respectively so it doesn’t get done - and by the end of the day I’m so frustrated with myself (and exhausted emotionally and physically) I take the easy way out: vegging in front of the TV, hopefully with one of the kids and a glass of wine.
Tonight, as I was re-looking over the Renovaré Institute information, I saw this
…and I realized that is what I really want, to become more like Jesus. I imagine myself as one of the disciples in The Chosen, how would I live differently if I looked at Jesus as my life model? I looked at the pile of magazines on the coffee bench in my office and thought of all the things I do that distract me from the “one thing is needful.”
A couple weeks ago a friend was praying for me and had this vision, he wrote it out so I have it to kind of reflect on:
jen-you are on a unicycle, balancing hats on your head, stacked high; you are juggling. The performance is over. The balls can fall, the hats can topple. - but the unicycle is moving towards a cliff. There is one thing which needs attending by you. The rest can fall, and I will hold it; it will not fall forever.
I haven’t stopped juggling. I’m still trying to balance all those hats (hence the crick in my neck and the spasms in my back). I need to stop the unicycle. I need to get off before I go over the cliff. And, I just now realized, as I was typing, what the one thing is that I need to attend to - and that the rest will fall away and be held…
I close my eyes and open my heart to listen to the Father (instead of being busy and finding things to fill my time) and I hear Jesus’ words:
“Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 NRSV
There is a burden I bear that I’m struggling to release into the hands of God. I know He is with me and holding me and will strengthen me. But I also know that even Paul struggled with a thorn that tormented him.
“ ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NSRV.
I don’t know if this is the time to continue in another academic pursuit, even though it feels like oxygen to me, but I do know that I can lay it in His hands and trust that He will continue to refine me through these fires. And I’m going to rely on His strength to release the burden that holds me back. Thank you for being faithful to share the vision N, and may I be obedient to the attending of the “one thing.”